Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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