So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
