it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
