Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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