God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I'm too high and old for this...
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
