Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
