i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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