Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
