Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
