Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
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