i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
