I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
