If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
They took my balls.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
