Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
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