I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
