i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
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