Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Still dying that you shit outside
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
