Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize
