I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
