everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
