My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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