Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
