Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Randomize
