dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
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