oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
