I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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