Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Come back. Shots need mouths.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
