before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Randomize
