I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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