how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
