So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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