So drunk, too bad you don't want this
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Randomize
