saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
