I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
