Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
