so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
