fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
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