mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
