it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
