i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
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