when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
i now understand why vodka
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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