How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
