Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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