You're a womanizer and a bitch.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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