Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I could fuck to npr.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
jump out the window naked night went bad
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