If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
