Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
