Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
