Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
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