i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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