Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
