she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
