One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
